Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
