So drunk its hurt
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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