Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
