Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
