i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
