Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
