Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
