drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
