What did we do last night that was yellow?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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