His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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