I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
