Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
