I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
