Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
