my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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