Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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