so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
