but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
