I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
