I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
