i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize