i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
