one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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