I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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