Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
