I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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