my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
