doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize