The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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