Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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