Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
