tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
