if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
is wine microwaveable?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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