I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
