Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
