Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
