i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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