brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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