Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
