How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
