So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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