Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
