I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
