you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
