Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
