That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
