I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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