guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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