Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
