dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize