God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
