Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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