Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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