I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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