She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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