I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
