I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
40s are totally the cure
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
