I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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